Pre-Op Consult

Claire has an appointment with Dr. Schmelzer this coming Wednesday to get checked out, discuss surgery plan and schedule that surgery. This is my itinerary anyhow, what he has planned may be different but I am really hoping to get her scheduled and done before the month is over. As I have previously wrote about, the holidays were dampened a tad by my own guilt. Though this is going to be her second procedure I have prepared myself for this three times now, since the last one got canceled at the last moment I had been on quite an emotional journey preparing myself for the surgery. We have had a change in career, Chris is now working for the Union Pacific Railroad so we have amazing benefits for Claire and no more run around nonsense from Medicaid. I tried to reapply and we were denied because god forbid a person work hard and get a raise, that's an entirely other subject. 

I've been wondering lately if this process ever gets any easier; planning and worrying, not knowing when it will even be! I asked the girl who answered the phone if he had any openings for surgery this month and she wouldn't even tell me if there was a chance that we could get in. I'm not asking for patient's phone numbers to try to swap them appointments lady, I just want to know a ball park figure. Jesus, just tell me yes he's booked or no he isn't booked; he may be able to squeeze you in. I obviously wasn't expecting a definite answer. 

Little things like this are what makes this process a living nightmare. For instance the lovely nurse who rode the elevator with us post-op who said, "oh, I bet you don't want anymore kids after this". Are you kidding me? You do realize you work in a CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL right? My daughter's issues are small pebbles compared to the boulders some of these brave children face. If you are talking to me like this then how are you even able to hold this type of employment?

Big things run through your mind in fleeting glances. Sometimes its hard to get passed those little things that consume you and I think I do it subconsciously to deter from the big issues. She will be taken out of my arms and into a stranger's to go to a strange place. When she wakes up there will be confusion, anger and pain. When I get to walk in to see her she will look at me once again with those eyes that scream 'why mom?!' and I will fight back the tears that are too forceful for my efforts and make themselves apparent no matter how hard I try. I will fight the urge to let guilt consume me because I need to be the rock my daughter sees me as. The rock that I forget exists. 

Sometimes it is so hard to find that rock. I will be going about my day, minding my own damn business and BAM! I am struck by this overwhelming flood of emotions and I find myself having what I like to refer to as an 'episode'. In my rational mind I know that this is all necessary and that I am there for her in all ways possible doing right by her. There's also that little voice that tries to drag me into the dark side.The side where I can wear my guilt like a comfy sweater. I don't have to be strong because in this place I am alone. I can crumble and feel my emotions instead of giving the predetermined response to an inquiry. 

I dont think that this will ever get easier. I think that as she gets older it might be easier to prepare myself because I will be more focused on preparing her and being open about discussions. At the same time I think my guilt will worsen as she becomes aware of the process. I think the only way I can fight through this is to wear that comfy sweater and embrace it. Embrace my passion about being a mother and the fact that it consumed my life and thats where my real comfort zone is, as a mother. My path is easier than some, harder than others, but its all I know and I love our journey that's showing me that hidden strength day in and day out.