Dealing With My Emotions

After finding out for sure that Claire had a cleft lip and possible palate there was a whirl wind of emotions going on with me. Some easier to deal with than others. I didn't know if I was supposed to announce it to everyone I knew or keep it to close family and friends. I didn't know how to tell anyone. It was easy to tell the people who knew we were concerned from the beginning and as tacky as it sounds I sent a mass text message to everyone who was waiting for results. This only included our parents, my grandparents, my brothers and a few friends. We had to figure out how to tell everyone else. My husband dealt with this a lot better than I did. I remember he posted about it on Facebook to one of his sisters and I take this very well. I didn't feel like it was something that I wanted posted on the Internet for the whole world to see. Being the amazing man he is he deleted it when I asked him to. Looking back on this I realize how silly it was.
My maternal grandma decided to tell my 2 uncles and their families. I was a little miffed about this at first but my irritation quickly turned to gratitude because I knew that I wouldn't have been able to do it with the grace and strength that I require of myself.
Once more people were aware of our situation I was faced with talking about it with more people. It got to the point that I felt like every time I turned around I was sucking back the tears as I was explaining the process to people. I just could not let myself break in front of anyone. So from the outside looking in I was this strong soon to be mother who was doing anything and everything that I could to prepare our family for the road ahead. But deep down, and when I was alone, I was slowly falling apart.
For the longest time I would spend the first 20 minutes or so of my day crying into my pillow. I felt so guilty. I knew that I couldn't blame myself, I knew it wasn't my fault. But that didn't keep me from feeling this overwhelming guilt. I felt so bad and felt like this was caused by something I did or didn't do. I worried about how people would react to her. The last thing any mom wants is people to say or do mean things to their children. I knew that her family would love her unconditionally but what about everyone else? What about the kids on the playground a few years from now? What about their parents and their rude comments? How was I going to explain it to my 3 year old niece?
After a while I stopped feeling so guilty and stopped blaming myself. But would other people blame me? I was so scared about how other people were going to react to our situation. It seemed like anytime I would come to terms with something within myself something else would surface. I cried and cried and cried some more for 2 months straight. There was nothing anyone could say or do that would make me feel better. I just felt so bad that my beautiful amazing baby girl was going to have to go through so much in the very beginning of her life. I just wanted to take it all away.
I found myself becoming a little jealous of other pregnant women. I wanted more than anything for me and Claire to be able to just have a normal pregnancy, birth and life. I felt so guilty that I couldn't give that to her.
My mom reached out to another mother who had 2 boys with cleft lips. I was a little uncomfortable with this at first. Honestly a little mad at my mom, but one thing to learn about her is she doesn't care if it pisses you off, if she knows that its what is best for you she is going to do it regardless of what you have to say about it at the time. Thank God she is that way otherwise I would've just kept my face buried in my tear drenched pillow. I'm so grateful for my opportunity to talk with this other mom. She was such a great comfort to me. And it didn't hurt that her boys are 2 of the most handsome boys I've seen :) I got to see pictures of her youngest boy before and after surgery. I had seen plenty online from researching but to see these pictures and the huge difference just one surgery made took a little weight off of my shoulders. It was nice to know that there was someone there who was close and had been through the same thing.
Just before I had Claire I had the opportunity to sit down with another mom who had a little girl with cleft lip and palate. She brought pictures and told us stories, and answered questions. As she was starting to tell her story she teared up. Seeing those tears was probably the most helpful and comforting thing that happened through my entire experience. When I saw those tears I knew I really wasn't alone. I wasn't the only mother out there who was shedding tears over this happening to their baby. Her little girl is now 7 and she is stunningly beautiful. That little girl gave me a lot of hope. She had just recently undergone her bone graft from her hip and she looks amazing.
I wont ever be able to fully express my gratitude to these two mothers. They will never know how much their presence in my life through this helped and comforted me.
I know how lucky we are that Claire's issues are just cosmetic. It could have been much worse, it could have been her brain or her heart,etc. But just because this isn't a life threatening issue doesn't mean that we need to feel guilty because we feel bad. Yes, cleft lips and palates are easily fixed. But it is ok to own your emotions and cry. Its ok to feel bad. Its ok to break in front of people, the pain you have isn't something that needs to be hidden in your pillow every morning. Just because it can be fixed doesn't mean that its an easy road.