Since my dad was born with a left side cleft lip we all knew that there was a chance that our baby could be born with some type of cleft. It was in the back of my mind from the beginning. I knew, like everyone told me, that it would be ok and that it could be fixed. But that doesn't mean that there wasn't concern, and many other emotions going on.
At 16 weeks I went to an ultrasound studio to get an early gender determination ultrasound. We found out that we were having a girl! It was an amazing experience to get to watch such a long ultra sound since the ones at the hospital are cut and dry, to the point. On our way home I was looking at Claire's pictures and noticed that her lips looked extra pouty. I immediately let my mind go there, to the cleft. I held back a lot of tears on that long ride home. No one said anything at the time but I wasn't the only one who was thinking that it looked like something was wrong. It wasn't obvious by any means, but since we had all been wondering about it before the ultrasound it was easy for us to put the pieces together.
So I waited 4 long weeks until my next ultrasound appointment with my doctor. I'm a very anxious person naturally and having to wait was excruciating. Instead of dwelling on it and letting the time drive me insane I took my anxiety and committed myself to researching as much as I could. I tried to prepare myself as well as I could. I felt like I had to do something, and this was one thing that I could control, my knowledge. I felt that if I could be prepared and aware that it would help me stay calm and strong. It worked. As soon as anyone would ask me about it I would instantly talk stats. Having information helped me skate around the emotional side of waiting. It was ok for me to completely fall apart but only when I was alone, and it happened more times than I like to admit.
Finally my 20 week appointment came around and little miss Claire decided to move around the whole time and keep her hands by her face. This meant very unclear pictures and no answers. It was really neat to watch her move around and be able to actually feel her movements. It was a big relief that everything looked good and that she was measuring right. Disappointing to hear that we would have to wait 5 more weeks before they would do another ultrasound to look for a cleft lip or palate.
At 25 weeks I went in for yet another ultrasound. I was kind of expecting the radiologist to sit in on the ultrasound considering it wasn't a routine visit. I was sadly mistaken. I went in hoping for answers, left holding back tears. I wanted so badly to just hear yes or no. My instincts were screaming yes and I just wanted some validation. Add to that being told I had to wait ANOTHER week for results. I had reached my breaking point. I remember waking up every day in tears.
The week finally went by and I got the phone call saying the radiologist believed Claire had a cleft lip with a possible cleft palate.
I was out running errands with one of my friends when my phone rang. I knew who it was, I had been very impatiently waiting for them to return my phone call. I remember hearing the words and once again snapping into "control". Asking about her brain, heart, lungs etc and then asking what our next step was, while holding back my tears and trying with all I had in me to just make it to my house before I fell apart. That friend was probably the only person who ever saw me crumble. I ran to my house and fell to the floor into the most uncontrollable, helpless sob I have ever felt in my life. I had so many emotions running through my mind; guilt, sadness, worry, pity but I think I was most of all relieved. To finally have an answer and to know that we were on our path to help our baby.
No comments:
Post a Comment